So one of my blog goals for this year is to share more of my personality and life on this blog with you guys. To start things off I want to talk about something that's been bothering me for the past year or so: insecurity. So yeah I am one of those people with sort of a rough exterior. I always try to put on a tough front about things... I'm always ready to defend basically. But what I've realized recently is that I'm way more insecure about stuff than I'd ever thought I would be.
- This Blog Sucks.
- Ok so no I don't actually think my blog sucks, but sometimes I feel like no one likes my blog but me. Like I don't know why I care, but I want to be someone's favorite blog to go to... or at least in their top 10. And I feel like people visit me, but not the way I visit my fav blogs.
- I already posted about Blogger Jealousy and how I don't need to be the cool kid on the block. And I don't. I want to do my own thing and not compare myself to other people. But it is really hard.
- Which basically brings me to feeling like I'm so god-damned mediocre. Like I'm good-ish at things, but I'm not really GREAT at anything. I'm good at writing, but obviously I could use some work at it. I started this blog because I love to read and feel like I'm pretty good at it, but if my blog isn't the bomb then that leads me to feel average at that too.
- I'm just so sick of the average mediocrity. I want to be great at something. I guess I just haven't found what that is yet, and I'm getting a little old to figure that out.
- So if you don't know, I've been a stay-at-home mom for many years. This spring I actually finished up my degree and did an internship over the summer. While doing this internship I felt like I was trained for nothing. There were some kids that I worked with that were really talented and their skills were super focused. Once again I felt like I was good-ish at some things, but more like a jack-of-all-trades and not just super great at one particular thing.
- When the internship ended I just became super scared to go on interviews. I know that sounds so lame. I just feel very insecure about what I really have to offer a company... and if I don't believe in myself why in the heck would they??
- I haven't really gave it my best try to get a job. I don't actually NEED to work, so it's easier to stay here in my little nest where I'm safe than to go out there and prove myself to basically myself.
- Don't get me started about home life because I ALWAYS feel like I could be a better mom and mom-guilt totally overwhelms me on certain days.
- So yeah I'm getting older and that sort of sucks. When I turned 30 I had a mini-life crisis of sorts. I started feeling like I'm old and haven't really accomplished any of my goals (except being a mom).
- Also I don't want to be old and ugly. As a woman I'm used to being pretty and I've always looked super young for my age. Who will I be when I'm not cute anymore??
- That sounds SO superficial. There's so much more to life than looks... I KNOW THIS. But it still doesn't take that fear away that people will find me gross at some point in my future and I don't want to be gross!!
- It makes me think back to when I was 18 and my mom told me to enjoy being young while I still could because it goes by so fast. And I literally laughed. I was seriously one of those people who thought I would be young forever. ...Yeah that isn't working out so well anymore. Guess I'll just have to be young at heart.
I agonized over whether or not to actually post this. I don't want people to think I'm all whiney or fishing for comments from people who are going to tell me how much they love my blog and stuff. I really just want to tell you guys that I have insecurities and I guess I care so much because I really try hard at maintaining this blog. And I do it for myself, but it's also nice when something I put so much time into is being enjoyed by more than just me. Obviously I know it's more than just me reading these posts because I have Google Analytics..... but sometimes I feel really alone in this blogging world too.
Do you guys ever feel insecure about stuff like I do?? I feel like back in the day I wasn't like this at all and now I'm all over the place. One day I think I rock and the next I'm like who even are you?? How do you deal?