So one of my blog goals for this year is to share more of my personality and life on this blog with you guys. To start things off I want to talk about something that's been bothering me for the past year or so: insecurity. So yeah I am one of those people with sort of a rough exterior. I always try to put on a tough front about things... I'm always ready to defend basically. But what I've realized recently is that I'm way more insecure about stuff than I'd ever thought I would be.
Blog
- This Blog Sucks.
- Ok so no I don't actually think my blog sucks, but sometimes I feel like no one likes my blog but me. Like I don't know why I care, but I want to be someone's favorite blog to go to... or at least in their top 10. And I feel like people visit me, but not the way I visit my fav blogs.
- I already posted about Blogger Jealousy and how I don't need to be the cool kid on the block. And I don't. I want to do my own thing and not compare myself to other people. But it is really hard.
- Which basically brings me to feeling like I'm so god-damned mediocre. Like I'm good-ish at things, but I'm not really GREAT at anything. I'm good at writing, but obviously I could use some work at it. I started this blog because I love to read and feel like I'm pretty good at it, but if my blog isn't the bomb then that leads me to feel average at that too.
- I'm just so sick of the average mediocrity. I want to be great at something. I guess I just haven't found what that is yet, and I'm getting a little old to figure that out.
Career
- So if you don't know, I've been a stay-at-home mom for many years. This spring I actually finished up my degree and did an internship over the summer. While doing this internship I felt like I was trained for nothing. There were some kids that I worked with that were really talented and their skills were super focused. Once again I felt like I was good-ish at some things, but more like a jack-of-all-trades and not just super great at one particular thing.
- When the internship ended I just became super scared to go on interviews. I know that sounds so lame. I just feel very insecure about what I really have to offer a company... and if I don't believe in myself why in the heck would they??
- I haven't really gave it my best try to get a job. I don't actually NEED to work, so it's easier to stay here in my little nest where I'm safe than to go out there and prove myself to basically myself.
- Don't get me started about home life because I ALWAYS feel like I could be a better mom and mom-guilt totally overwhelms me on certain days.
Life
- So yeah I'm getting older and that sort of sucks. When I turned 30 I had a mini-life crisis of sorts. I started feeling like I'm old and haven't really accomplished any of my goals (except being a mom).
- Also I don't want to be old and ugly. As a woman I'm used to being pretty and I've always looked super young for my age. Who will I be when I'm not cute anymore??
- That sounds SO superficial. There's so much more to life than looks... I KNOW THIS. But it still doesn't take that fear away that people will find me gross at some point in my future and I don't want to be gross!!
- It makes me think back to when I was 18 and my mom told me to enjoy being young while I still could because it goes by so fast. And I literally laughed. I was seriously one of those people who thought I would be young forever. ...Yeah that isn't working out so well anymore. Guess I'll just have to be young at heart.
I agonized over whether or not to actually post this. I don't want people to think I'm all whiney or fishing for comments from people who are going to tell me how much they love my blog and stuff. I really just want to tell you guys that I have insecurities and I guess I care so much because I really try hard at maintaining this blog. And I do it for myself, but it's also nice when something I put so much time into is being enjoyed by more than just me. Obviously I know it's more than just me reading these posts because I have Google Analytics..... but sometimes I feel really alone in this blogging world too.
Do you guys ever feel insecure about stuff like I do?? I feel like back in the day I wasn't like this at all and now I'm all over the place. One day I think I rock and the next I'm like who even are you?? How do you deal?
When I see that time flies, that I already feel a bit old and that I don't want to grow up yet, people always laugh and say 'that I'm still so young.' So I know how it feels to be insecure about getting older! Your blog most definitely not sucks. It's your book, so it's unique and just as good as any other blog! It's not bad to be 'average/mediocre' in things. You could always suck at it, so at least you are better than that ;) If you enjoy what you do, it doesn't matter how good you are! It's all about how it makes you feel. I know I'm not the best reviewer out there, but I feel darn proud when I post another review. It makes me feel happy, so it doesn't matter that I'm not the best :)
ReplyDeleteYou are so right. I'm just really hard on myself. It's the main reason why I almost had a nervous breakdown in photography class. I expected all my photos to be completely perfect and if they weren't I wanted them deleted and never to be seen again. I was almost willing to fail a project just so my imperfect photos wouldn't be seen. It's crazy how crazy I can be to myself sometimes.
DeleteYou are brave, my friend, and there's nothing mediocre about that! I worry sometimes about putting myself out there, too, but I really believe that people are drawn to honesty and will admire you for it. Plus, I've felt practically everything on your list too. And I turn 30 this year... =/ Keep your chin up and here's to 2014 being a fantastic year!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Your comment makes me feel less alone :) Welcome to the 30 club!
DeleteAs soon as I read your blogging insecurities I knew I had to scroll down here and comment: You are one of my very, VERY favorite bloggers. I don't get to go on and comment on blogs as much as I used to, but I really do love yours. When I was just a newbie blogger, your blog was one of the first ones I visited and told my friends about. I was so surprised you were talking to me because you had a really pretty site and wrote awesome reviews, and you were always so nice to me even though I felt like the new kid who didn't know anything. I admired your blog so much and I still do. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't think I'm "just saying this" because I'm not, I really mean every single word of it. Your blog is awesome and don't you forget it! <3
Alice @ Alice in Readerland
You are a sweetheart! I feel the same way about your blog. It's one of the first ones that I really really liked... and still do!!! I always feel like I don't know anything about this blogging stuff, so it's funny when I find out that other people feel like that too. Thanks for being such a great blogging friend :)
Deletewell I guess everyone is insecure regarding something or the other maybe except a very few. When I was in high school I was insecure regarding my looks, dressing and make up sense, weight and all then I went to college and became afraid of the competitive world and got more insecure regarding my career and future. Now I'm just months away from completing my college and I'm still insecure regarding ... well, I guess everything!!! Career, looks, boyfriend, social status and every tiny thing of my life!!! I couldn't get past these insecurities and I know it makes me weak but I guess no one can completely overcome these small things. Humans aren't perfect but we still become obsessed with being perfect and thus insecurities increase. I guess we will bear these insecurities through out the life. Don't worry Michelle, you're not alone and we all are with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetie. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I was super insecure in HS too... it just came out in different ways than it does now. Going out in the world is super scary and I'm not sure I'm even ready to do it. I wish I could just blog and read books for a career... wouldn't that be nice??
DeleteI cannot even tell you how much I relate to this post!!! First off, I relate with the blogging in every way (and for the record, your blog is awesome!!!). I try not to worry about other people's opinions or how "popular" my blog is based on posts and comments, but it's hard! The last part of 2013 I found more frequent commenters who I connected with on a great level and it made me feel a lot better about quality over quantity. But don't even get me started about how little I know about blog layouts, formatting, etc! haha! I feel like my blog is a mess, especially when I find myself comparing.
ReplyDeleteOn career: I want to give you a virtual high five for finishing your degree and doing an internship!!! I regret not doing an internship SO MUCH and you ALSO are a mom on top of it!!! Dang, girl! You need to give yourself way more credit!!! :) But I identify so much with not feeling like I'm the best at some particular area. I'm good at a lot of things, but it's hard not to compare ourselves with others who do things better. I know you have a calling though, whether it's being a mom or anything else. You just can't give up! :)
When you wrote about turning 30 and feeling like you're not happy about all you've accomplished - that is me right now!! I'm turning 30 two weeks from today and I'm terrified. I'm the oldest of most of my friends (only by a few months, but still!) and my fiance is 15 months younger than me so I just feel OLD and ALONE! I know it's silly in the grand scheme of life, but I don't even have kids yet, so at least you've got that taken care of! :) haha! But really, I cannot tell you how much I relate! I feel so shallow but as a woman conditioned to be young and perfect in today's society, it's a culture shock to not be the "young one" anymore, you know? It's so depressing to know I took my 20s for granted!
Anyways, this was way too long, but obviously I really related to your post. Regardless of the fact that we both feel the same, I think you are doing a really great job with your blog and with being authentic as a blogger. I haven't been reading your blog long because I just got the great opportunity of connecting with you through TBTB Secret Santa, but I think you are great (and it's not just because you're the best Secret Santa everrrr! hahah!). If you ever need to talk or vent, just let me know!! :)
I'm so glad I got you as my Secret Santa!! There is something to the Broke and Bookish Secret Santa thing because now I'm going to BEA with the girl who gave me presents... and last year I made friends with the girl I gave presents to as well. Anyway thank you so much for your comment. It really made my day more than you know. It's nice to know that there are other people out there that feel like I do. (I'm older than my husband too, so I know EXACTLY how that feels). I'm not going to give up on a career... I am just having anxiety about interviewing. It feels so much like a popularity contest that I can't win sometimes. Oh and I would do anything to re-do my 20's over again... so much fun!!!
DeleteI think we all feel these ways sometimes. I am in my 30s now and yes I feel old. I see all the wrinkles and hairs where they shouldn't be and think oh God!! I also feel you about working. I don't have to work.. but I am also NOT a mom. People really look at me like... you don't work... you don't have kids... what are you? I was recently at my husband's office Christmas part and a woman started talking to me about "what do you do". I said ... well I don't work. The conversation stopped dead quite. I mean DEAD. Soooo I of course tried to continue it on and I made excuses as to why I am not working. What is so wrong with not working or having kids? See now you got me going!! LOL!
ReplyDeleteI feel you!! Before I had my son and before I got pregnant I was married and didn't work. I would seasonally work during the Christmas season, but that was it. We live kind of far from most job places, so it wasn't really worth my while to drive an hour unless I was making really good money.... which without a degree at the time wasn't going to happen. But yeah people were always like well what do you do? I was like ummm whatever I feel like doing?? Don't feel bad. Do what you want to do. You don't need kids to stay home.
DeleteI'm an incredibly insecure person. I definitely think it's one of my biggest flaws because it prevents me from stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things. As someone who has only barely started her life, this isn't exactly the place I want to be. But I also feel that I've been restricted by a lot of influences outside of my control for most of my life, and when the time comes I'll be able to branch out and let go of my insecurities.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to blogging I'm pretty much the same as you. As a pretty new blog, my following is just starting out. It's a pretty solid following, and I have lots of returning visitors (which is nice, because you feel that people are actually enjoying your posts enough to come back and comment on more), but there are days where I really envy those people who receive lots of comments from lots of people. I like the interaction within the community, and I like talking about books, so I suppose it would just be nice to have more people reading my reviews.
I think it's understandable for you to feel that way about your age. I think about it sometimes and get a little scared, too. The thought of being old and wrinkled and graying...really doesn't sit well in my head. I want to live to a ripe old age, but I'd rather not be falling to pieces while doing so. I think that's definitely an insecurity we all have, and will continue to have. Anyone who is comfortable with growing old and having their appearance drastically change, well, I'm not sure what to think about that!
I really enjoyed this post. :) I hope you learn to feel a bit better about your insecurities at some point.
Sydney @ Utterly Bookish
I think it's great that you posted this. And, fwiw, I really enjoy reading your blog. I don't comment all the time, but you're in my reader and I read every day. Maybe I should comment all the time, but I like leaving comments with substance so if I read or skim a review or post and I don't have anything to say I'd rather not leave a comment then just say "Great review!" or "Interesting points!". You're also a great commenter on my blog, I know I replied to tell you this, but your comment on my Roomies review had me laughing.
ReplyDeleteThe career stuff is hard. For me it's hard because you know that you're great and have something to contribute, but sometimes it's so hard to get that across in a cover letter or interview. Plus you can't control how great everyone else is who is applying for the job. Maybe it's a cop out, but I really believe that if something's meant to be it will happen. I got rejected from so many jobs and that's what made me eventually decide to go back to school and I'm so glad I did that. Of course now I'm insecure and obsessing about getting into grad school, but there's just always something to worry about.
I love your honesty! We are in the same triberr group, that's how I found your blog :-) I think we all have our insecurities, especially when we put ourselves out there with our reviews or ourselves - I am 37 now & really feeling my age, I only re-entered the workforce this year after being at home with my kids for 8years & its tough but also very rewarding.
ReplyDeleteI really hope all goes well for you & I look forward to following your posts & reviews :-)